It was one of those days. It had been one of those weeks. It was my third 12 hour shift in a row. I had one hour to go. I was done. I just wanted to go home. After three days of constant business, half staff, and an insane amount of case loads, I was ready to check out and start my two week vacation. I looked at the clock. 10:30. Only one more hour. So close to freedom, I thought I was in the clear without having to do another super crazy case.
I was wrong. We got the call for an emergency surgery. I started setting up for it. Just as I got the room prepared, we got another call. Scratch that, a more urgent emergency was coming in. Change of plans. I start doing the necessary preparations to change procedures.
Then we found out why this particular patient was coming in. She had done something horrific. Terrible. Indescribable. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. But now she needed medical help.
My attitude changed immediately. My mind running wild with thoughts I’ve never had about any patient before. I didn’t want to help her. I didn’t want to bust my exhausted butt trying to save her. She deserved what she had coming to her. I couldn’t speak to her because I was afraid of what I would say. I looked at her with contempt.
It should have been a simple surgery to fix the problem. But of course, this time there were complications. I was annoyed. The room was high stress. I was running here and there, getting things that the doctors needed. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to be clocking out, not running around, working hard to save this person that I had no respect for.
When things calmed down a bit, I was just looking at her on the operating table. I was glaring at her with contempt. How could this person do such a thing and then come to the hospital and expect me to do absolutely everything to help her?
And then God spoke to me, “I love her.”
I don’t think I’ve ever heard a message from God so clearly in my life before. There, in the middle of that chaotic OR, I was so completely convicted of all of the things I had just been thinking of her. Here I had been judging her and thinking terrible thoughts about how I didn’t want to help her, and how I thought she didn’t deserve it. I was thinking those things about someone that God loves. Someone He died for! He loves her as much as he loves me!
I was blown away and I just wanted to cry. And cry I did. This profound realization of the overwhelming, unconditional love of God just blew my mind. Sometimes I wish I could tell you what she did. Just so you could understand my feelings, but it doesn’t matter what she did. Her sin that I thought was so disgusting and vile and terrible. It was the same as my sins. To God, our sins are equal. And his love for us is equal.
I was so blown away by God’s grace. I went home and cried to my husband. I don’t think I slept at all. I thought about it the minute I woke up. I cried to my mom and sister the next day. How amazing is His Grace. How profound is His Love.
That moment in the OR that I thought was just another annoyingly busy night has changed me. I will remember that moment forever. And I hope I never forget the magnitude of God’s love.
